Welcome to my friends with benefits series. This is a hot topic I discuss often with people and it is really frustrating to me to deal with the fantasies around it. Unhealthy unconscious relating patterns occur at higher rates within FWB that cause serious psyche damage that are difficult to de-bug and reprogram.
It is important to make two things clear, FWB is not a bad way to do a relationship and neither is multiple lovers. They are both valid ways of relating in a healthy realistic context. FWB is a neutral “label”. Labels are irrelevant. Healthy relationships come in a myriad of ways and it depends on what two people want to get out of a connection. With realistic expectations, emotional intelligence and open communication FWB can be mutually beneficial.
I always advise going into any relationship with no hidden agendas, especially FWB. I will emphasize expectations a lot through these blogs! Keeping expectations reality based is critical. Agendas and unmet expectations build resentments. Resentments erode relationships. It is imperative to be able to handle emotions with ease that FWB’s non committed way of relating tends to trigger. We can’t forget about open communication. Without proper communication any connection, romantic or not, will fall apart or be hindered by difficulties. Many people are clueless how their biology, mind and emotions work this adds another layer of problems to relationships. Adding in FWB tends to be the easy path to avoiding relationships responsibilities. Without intelligence, emotional intelligence and reality based thought processes FWB equals pain, heartache and bruised psyches. Let’s be honest, humans are not naturally “logical” beings or often even naturally compassionate. Cultivating intelligence, emotional intelligence, social intelligence and facing reality doesn’t feel good because it goes against our ego. None of these happen spontaneously and cultivation of these qualities is painful.
This series is not focusing on “healthy” friends with benefits but instead on what goes wrong and how to create healthier human romantic interactions. Most of what I write is applicable to all relationships, not just friends with benefits.
Much of my relationship coaching focuses on making YOU an improved, smarter version of yourself. Not fixing your significant other. I don’t cuddle or make people “feel” good with fantasies. You’ve been warned.